He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
