i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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