do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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