party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
