He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
