I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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