what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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