Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
