if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you would pick up someone in the library
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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