Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
