i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
