Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
