I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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