Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
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