Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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