Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
