"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
being pregnant is like rehab
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
