He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
