So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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