'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
