I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i think my cat just said my name.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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