How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
