i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We have started to decorate penises.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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