your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
