we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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