Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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