Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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