Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
