a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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