don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
