you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
