I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
