I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
