He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
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He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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