This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
