Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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