Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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