Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
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I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins