When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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