either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
