sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
