I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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