I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
