I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
