You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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