Cold hands, warm shart.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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