How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
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That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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