it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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