there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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