My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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