how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
