Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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