my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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