It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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