I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
