End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
