i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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