We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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