I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
