all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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