the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
