Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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