I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
